Worst of Both Worlds

I'm a pessimistic perfectionist. And it sucks. I never want to start anything because I'm sure that I won't be able to do it just right. I over think; I have to consider everything that might go wrong. And sometimes that over thinking makes me sabotage myself before I even start.

Take today's workout. I was scheduled to do 5 miles w/3 mile tempo in the middle. I had done two miles of tempo last week to great success. And sore legs for two days after, but we'll take that as battle scars. If I had been able to do today's tempo outside I would have been happy. I don't know if you've heard, though - the East coast is having a heat wave. I had been having problems outside when it was cooler; I know if I tried to take one step above a walk outside today, I will burst into flames. So - treadmill.

Let me back up a bit and say I have a certain fear of the treadmill. It goes back to this past winter when I was injured while training for my first half. I'm stubborn, so even though I was injured, I was going to keep training. And with the way the sidewalks were, I wasn't going to be doing it outside. I jumped (well, limped) on to the treadmill. It was a scary session. I hit a speed that I wasn't able to keep up with and my leg started twisting and sliding. Have you ever seen those videos of people falling off of treadmills? Those make me wince, not laugh. I just know that if I was to fall I'd do more than bruising. Negative thinking? Maybe. Anyway, the point is, I was terrified.

Since then I've done workouts on the treadmill. I've done some tough workouts - hills, speedwork. But there's always that fear in the back of my mind. It's even worse when my knee acts up, like it has been this week.

I did my 5 miles this morning, but it definitely was not a tempo run. It was around slow run time, mostly because I just didn't trust my knee to keep up. Let me say - after the workout my knee was fine - better than it has been all week! Probably because I finally listened to advice and iced it last night. I know I could have pushed myself harder.

So I'm disappointed today. I know that I psyched myself into a bad run.

My plan - a do over tomorrow. Not 5 miles - just 3. I am going to treat it like I was outside running. I will cover the speed display and go by effort. I will set it to go by distance instead of time. I will warm up slowly, and do my best to go faster each mile after that. And I will trust in my legs and knees.

I can do this. I know I can. I am strong.