As I write this I sit in the gate area of Dulles airport, which I am familiar with as a traveler that once lived in the area. I just polished off a bag of red Twizzlers as a dinner/snack, and with it am fighting not to give in to a sense of guilt.
I grew up fat. It started when I was around 10 as far as I know, and it lasted until I was 26 and went on Weight Watchers. I've maintained a healthy weight for 10 years and know that I never will go back to the way I was. I like to think I've developed an almost healthy relationship with food, given my background. There are days when I finish the food just to finish (the licorice is an example), but most of the time I am sensible. I eat the foods I like. Luckily I have trained my taste buds to like healthy foods. But not always healthy foods.
The reason I bring this up is that something happened today that I handled badly. It was the last day at my sister's house and to be honest I think we all needed a break from each other. The kids had been overexcited since we got there and it took a lot out of us to keep up. Anyway, my niece was looking at a set of pictures that my sister had on their family room wall. Included in this set was a picture of my sister and I and our cousins as bridesmaids from a wedding a few years ago. My niece said - "Aunt Sue looks F.A.T. in this picture". I heard that, and I couldn't handle it. It was ridiculous - I'm 37 years old, but when I heard that I had to get out of the room and cry.
I was upset; I told my niece in a cold voice to "Never say that about anyone, ever". I went in the kitchen and told my sister and my mother what had happened and I started to cry.
My mom and I had decided earlier to go to lunch, so we left right after that. My sister had talked to my niece, and when we left she was curled up in a ball on the sofa. I tried to tell her that it was okay, but she wasn't listening. I felt awful - I had upset myself and a 7 year old! Good job.
I'm still somewhat upset about it and also feel guilty. I shouldn't have overreacted like that. And to be honest, it's nothing worse than what I say about myself when I see my pictures. It's weird that years later it can still hurt. I guess it's because I believe it is the truth.
I am at a healthy weight. I am strong and getting stronger. I could lose a couple pounds, but honestly, they are vanity pounds. Right now, though, I hate my body.
I hate that I am "rounded". I hate that my cheeks look like a chipmunk when I smile. I hate so much.
Tonight it is hard, but I will be thankful for my body. I will be extra thankful when I can wake up tomorrow and believe again that I am beautiful.
Right now, I will try and stop crying again in the middle of the airport.