Saturday, November 26, 2011

Tired and emotional

As I write this I sit in the gate area of Dulles airport, which I am familiar with as a traveler that once lived in the area.  I just polished off a bag of red Twizzlers as a dinner/snack, and with it am fighting not to give in to a sense of guilt.

I grew up fat.  It started when I was around 10 as far as I know, and it lasted until I was 26 and went on Weight Watchers.  I've maintained a healthy weight for 10 years and know that I never will go back to the way I was.  I like to think I've developed an almost healthy relationship with food, given my background.  There are days when I finish the food just to finish (the licorice is an example), but most of the time I am sensible.  I eat the foods I like.  Luckily I have trained my taste buds to like healthy foods.  But not always healthy foods.

The reason I bring this up is that something happened today that I handled badly.  It was the last day at my sister's house and to be honest I think we all needed a break from each other.  The kids had been overexcited since we got there and it took a lot out of us to keep up.  Anyway, my niece was looking at a set of pictures that my sister had on their family room wall.  Included in this set was a picture of my sister and I and our cousins as bridesmaids from a wedding a few years ago.  My niece said - "Aunt Sue looks F.A.T. in this picture".  I heard that, and I couldn't handle it.  It was ridiculous - I'm 37 years old, but when I heard that I had to get out of the room and cry.

I was upset; I told my niece in a cold voice to "Never say that about anyone, ever".  I went in the kitchen and told my sister and my mother what had happened and I started to cry.

My mom and I had decided earlier to go to lunch, so we left right after that.  My sister had talked to my niece, and when we left she was curled up in a ball on the sofa.  I tried to tell her that it was okay, but she wasn't listening.  I felt awful - I had upset myself and a 7 year old!   Good job.

I'm still somewhat upset about it and also feel guilty.  I shouldn't have overreacted like that.  And to be honest, it's nothing worse than what I say about myself when I see my pictures.  It's weird that years later it can still hurt. I guess it's because I believe it is the truth.

I am at a healthy weight.  I am strong and getting stronger.  I could lose a couple pounds, but honestly, they are vanity pounds.  Right now, though, I hate my body.

I hate that I am "rounded".  I hate that my cheeks look like a chipmunk when I smile.  I hate so much.

Tonight it is hard, but I will be thankful for my body.  I will be extra thankful when I can wake up tomorrow and believe again that I am beautiful.

Right now, I will try and stop crying again in the middle of the airport.

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